Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Sing it!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
This made me smile…
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars