My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Cha-ching is my safe word
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.