It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You Might Also Like
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.