“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You Might Also Like
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Just me and my debit card against the world
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
that wasn’t the question
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.