~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
nyc:
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?