Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex