Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Well well well…
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.