I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.