*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
You Might Also Like
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.