{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
They’re the worst 😩
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room