“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought