Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.