I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The two types of wives
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
3% human
97% stress
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.