Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on