I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Beware…..
Seems kinda suspicious
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see