My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now