Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
How to woo a woman
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Never be a pizza!
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them