kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.