The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You Might Also Like
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months