of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Hero horse inspires millions
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.