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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.