Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
shit just got real
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast