I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me buying fruit and veg
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.