When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL