I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
figuring out my emotional availability:
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives