We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
You Might Also Like
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed