Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.