I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
This trial is so absurd 😭
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
This is always good for a laugh.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password