me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
You Might Also Like
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Facebook marketplace is a different world
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Ovenable?