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Only a mother’s love …
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Sheep
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner