(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
#Caturday
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.