Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.