Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.