I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics