Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……