News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows