writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.