I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger