That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.