Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You Might Also Like
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10