Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?