the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”