A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.