What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
spicy snake
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.