I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
23. the denim jacket
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.