Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
absolutely not
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
No, I don’t think I will.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?