friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Is this you?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
This did not end as expected.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.