I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads