There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
? 💀
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I’m more of a homeless romantic.