[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I unironically love this joke.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.